Topic: Enjoying life.
It’s very easy as a busy college student to forget about the bigger picture and to focus on the little details instead: receiving less than an ideal score, writing an essay that’s due in 2 hours, catching up on readings that have been neglected for weeks. There’s always something to be done and not enough time to do it. At least that’s how I used to think.
It’s true that there’s never enough time. There will never be enough time to try that cookie recipe, to sit in a quiet corner and read a novel from cover to cover, or to figure out how to play that new piece on your guitar. But that’s only if you don’t stop and make time for these things.
I, too, am caught up in the whirlwind of “doing more, achieving more” at Williams. That feeling overwhelms me often. I do sometimes feel as though I’d never be good enough because there will always be someone who is better at it than I am. I’m not competitive, but I don’t want to be left behind. I just want to stay ahead of the current. I push myself to reach higher goals because I don’t think I stand out in a crowd of such amazing people.
But I’ve also realized many things. During my time in the hospital, I evaluated my life in terms of what went wrong, what went right, and what I’d like to change. One of the things I really wanted to change was my list of priorities. I noticed that I planned a lot for the future: what I wanted to do in college, what I wanted to do after college, etc. etc. But I didn’t plan much for the present. Everything I did was for the future. I told myself that I would have fun once I reached “that point” in the future because by then, all my efforts would’ve paid off and I would be able to enjoy that time leisurely.
Of course that all went down the drain once I had cancer. Because guess what, I realized that I may not have that future! I was still too young to realize that my life had an expiration date. But now I am not so young; young perhaps in years but not from the knowledge that I’ve acquired.
Now I actively take time in my life to sit, to ponder, to contemplate, to enjoy. I am no longer under the false illusion that I have the luxury of time. I used to be so patient with people, but now that time is so precious to me, I no longer bother to listen to people’s bullshit, deal with jerks, or play mind games. It’s so freeing.
I take time to dress stylishly because I can. I read novels because I can. I’ll perch next to a window and watch the weather because I can. Never underestimate the power of “I can.” You don’t realize that you can do it until that opportunity is taken away - and then it might be too late.
Besides, it keeps me sane. I can’t run at 150% level anymore. My health is too fragile and valuable for me to use up all my energy for something that’s literally not worth dying for. Because really, will that C on the essay/exam matter if you know you only have days left to live? I hope not.
So really, taking time to do such “trivial” things really saves me from taking life for granted.
Also, this a random side note, but sometimes my hair really irritates me. Yes, it’s a blessing especially when I’m running late for classes and I can only take 5 minutes to shower but I REALLY MISS HAVING LONG HAIR. I love my short hairstyle, but having long hair makes me feel a lot more feminine, a lot prettier. But now that my hair is finally growing out, I can start to imagine what I’d look like again with long hair!
