Topic: Beauty.
I’ve mostly gotten used to how I look - sans hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes. It feels so natural now that sometimes I think that this is the way it’s always been. Lately, I’ve caught myself staring into the mirror, trying to picture myself with hair again. It usually doesn’t work…I have to look at old pictures to remember what I used to look like.
It’s an even bigger stretch to imagine myself with curly hair. HAHA. Would I have tightly curled ringlets, or would it be more like cascading waves of curls? Would it even turn out to be curly? Could my hair possibly change color? It’s such a Pandora Box, and I’m so so so so so impatient to find out. I’m guessing it’ll take about 2 months for my eyelashes to fully grow out, maybe 3 for my eyebrows?, and forever for my hair to be the length it once was (halfway down to the hips). Maybe if I’m lucky, by Christmas I’ll have chin length hair. A curly bob would be cute. Actually, anything curly would be fantastic. When I was younger, I disliked having straight hair (although I’ve since changed my mind - ANY hair would be awesome).
Anyways, today was one of those rare days where I felt really awful about not looking the way I used to. I can’t use the “I have cancer” excuse anymore, and I did feel somewhat self conscious walking around with a scarf wrapped around my head. Furthermore, I looked like a pirate, and an androgynous one at that since I was wearing jeans and a slouchy tee. I think you could have mistaken me for a guy from a distance…
So. Not. Happy. At. All.
IF I had hair, I would have been totally recognizable as a female. AGGGHHH.
And I suppose you’d wonder why the hell this even matters, and I’d tell you that it really doesn’t matter in the long run of things and it really is petty, BUT DAMMIT. I REALLY MISS FEELING ATTRACTIVE. I feel fake wearing the wig. I know I look gorgeous in it, but I feel like I’m “borrowing” beauty because that’s not how I really look. Without it, someone would probably go, “Ewwww.”
One is only truly beautiful when one’s looks are all one’s own. And hence, this is why I’m in agony: right now, a considerable part of my “look” is naturally missing. And it’s not coming back soon.
AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I DON’T LIKE WAITING.
AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I WISH THE PROCESS WOULD HURRY UP.
I could put on makeup, but I’m slightly wary of all the chemicals that go into them. It’s an irrational fear, and one that was instilled into me by my mom…but she told me that makeup would stunt my eyelashes/eyebrows growth. And I know it’s scientifically unfounded…BUT I don’t want to take the chance! (MOM, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!)
I guess there’s no solution. Well, there’s still a solution. I’d just have to like how I look right now. That might not be a problem tomorrow morning. I’d probably be like, “Oh, hey. I don’t look bad without my hair. Or my eyelashes. Or my eyebrows.”
Too bad it’s not tomorrow morning right now.
I’ll just dress more attractively from now on. To compensate for my feelings of hair inadequacy. It’s funny, or maybe you’ve realized this already, but dressing well always boosts my feelings of confidence and happiness. I was reading an article a few days ago, and it mentioned how well-dressed people are usually more well liked. And it really makes sense to me because when I’m well dressed, I feel more sociable and that usually leads to me making a better impression on others.
This also reminds me of another subject dear to my heart: body image.
I’m just like the rest of the 99% of the female population. I worry excessively about my appearances: “Do I look fat?” My sister used to claim that was my favorite question to ask of her. And it’s true that I obsessed too much over it. I read way too many Vogue magazines, with the end result with me thinking that being a size 0 wasn’t enough - I had to be size 00.
But those days are long over. After losing too much weight with chemo (I was 103 pounds at one point…and I’m 5’5”), I began to appreciate having a BMI above 18.5. I don’t count calories anymore, I eat fried foods, I no longer have a compulsive urge to exercise after I’ve eaten, and I’ve made peace with the fact that I wear a size 26, not a 24* (although I do know that a size 26 is still quite slim and that it seems like a slightly hypocritical/paradoxical statement…I’d just like to highlight the fact that I no longer believe that I should be a size 24 and that I should work toward being a size 24 if I’m not a 24).
*For those who don’t know what I’m referring to, I’m talking about the European size chart for women’s pants/jeans. A size 24 is the smallest you can get - it’s basically a size 00.
ANYWAYS. Enough about my epiphany.
I was just thinking that it’s not enough to teach girls about eating disorders. I mean, it’s certainly very enlightening and does make you think twice about ruining your body, but despite knowing the facts…girls are still going to do it because the need to look “perfect” is going to override everything else.
Workshops about self esteem need to be held. A girl starves herself to be skinny because she thinks that it’ll make people like her even more and/or make her feel better about herself. And we all know that looking skinny isn’t going to make you feel better about yourself, at least not in the long run. A girl has to be comfortable with herself and not with what others think. She has to understand what she likes about her own individuality. She has to think that she’s beautiful before she is beautiful. And only when all three of these things happen does she give up the fight to starve herself to look “beautiful.”
Summary: Girls with self esteem don’t think that one is beautiful only when one is thin.
Girls just need to like themselves. It’s a simple concept, but one that rarely works because most of the time, we don’t like ourselves. We always think that something could be better. The whole world is a stage, and everyone is looking at us. We must do all we can to look our best.
But I think we need to learn that we’re really doing fine. We don’t need to “improve” anything. Being perfect just means being fit and healthy. We don’t need to be thin to feel good about ourselves.
One question though…how does one teach self esteem though? It’s not something that can be taught…it’s more like a trait one eventually acquires through multiple (and many) experiences.
So lectures can go right out the window. And maybe discussions too. I don’t really like discussions in a large setting. Being a private person, I don’t like sharing my personal thoughts/experience in front of a bunch of strangers. Plus, self-esteem can’t really be discussed. It would be so boring. I’d rather do something to build my self-esteem rather than to listen to someone talk about theirs.
This is going to bother me for the rest of the night.
